Wednesday, October 27, 2010

So, lately I have been feeling like the "laugh" part is not coming as easily to me as the "go crazy". Actually it has been for quite a while now and I really don't feel like delving into it too deeply right now, but suffice it to say that things have been feeling pretty dark. So that's my explanation of why I haven't been writing anything. I was already worn out from pretending to be ok when I had to speak to people in person and I didn't have the energy to pretend here, too.

This post isn't funny, or even about the kids per se, but it is for the kids. Today I found an old journal that I used to keep full of quotes and poems and other things that I found inspiring. I had been thinking about this poem for a few days now and finally was able to put my hands on it. I'm happy to say, it resonated with me in just the way I remembered it doing 9 years ago. At that time I was newly married and trying to figure out what to do with my life. Now I have 5 kids and I am still trying to figure out what to do with my life. The conclusion I come to whenever I read this poem has not changed, though; it's not the details of your life that matter, it's the way you live your life amidst the details.

The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting you heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human

It doesn't interest me
if the story you're telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to knowif you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

So even though it is not funny, I am including this because I want the girls to see it and someday I hope they read this blog. It is, after all, for them that I am writing it all down.

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