So, lately I have been feeling like the "laugh" part is not coming as easily to me as the "go crazy". Actually it has been for quite a while now and I really don't feel like delving into it too deeply right now, but suffice it to say that things have been feeling pretty dark. So that's my explanation of why I haven't been writing anything. I was already worn out from pretending to be ok when I had to speak to people in person and I didn't have the energy to pretend here, too.

This post isn't funny, or even about the kids per se, but it is for the kids. Today I found an old journal that I used to keep full of quotes and poems and other things that I found inspiring. I had been thinking about this poem for a few days now and finally was able to put my hands on it. I'm happy to say, it resonated with me in just the way I remembered it doing 9 years ago. At that time I was newly married and trying to figure out what to do with my life. Now I have 5 kids and I am still trying to figure out what to do with my life. The conclusion I come to whenever I read this poem has not changed, though; it's not the details of your life that matter, it's the way you live your life amidst the details.

The Invitation

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me

what you do for a living.

I want to know

what you ache for

and if you dare to dream

of meeting you heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me

how old you are.

I want to know

if you will risk looking like a fool

for love

for your dream

for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me

what planets are

squaring your moon...

I want to know

if you have touched

the center of your own sorrow

if you have been opened

by life's betrayals

or have become shriveled and closed

from fear of further pain.

I want to know

if you can sit with pain

mine or your own

without moving to hide it

or fade it

or fix it.

I want to know

if you can be with joy

mine or your own

if you can dance with wildness

and let the ecstasy fill you

to the tips of your fingers and toes

without cautioning us

to be careful

to be realistic

to remember the limitations

of being human

It doesn't interest me

if the story you're telling me

is true.

I want to know if you can

disappoint another

to be true to yourself.

If you can bear

the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless

and therefore trustworthy.

I want to knowif you can see Beauty

even when it is not pretty

every day.

And if you can source your own life

from its presence.

I want to know

if you can live with failure

yours and mine

and still stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon,

"Yes."

It doesn't interest me

to know where you live

or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up

after the night of grief and despair

weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done

to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me

who you know

or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand

in the center of the fire

with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me

where or what or with whom

you have studied.

I want to know

what sustains you

from the inside

when all else falls away.

I want to know

if you can be alone

with yourself

and if you truly like

the company you keep

in the empty moments.

So even though it is not funny, I am including this because I want the girls to see it and someday I hope they read this blog. It is, after all, for them that I am writing it all down.

The Story of Lucia's Lost Tooth

Ok, so this story is actually from a couple of months ago, but I am just finally getting around to writing it down. Better late than never!

A little background; It was an unusual day to start with because it was "Pet Day" at preschool which meant that Samantha got to go to school and I was there to pick Luc up. Except for a handful of times I have been exclusively the drop- off mom this year while our neighbor has handled all of the pick-up duties. So you have to picture Darby, Lucia and Reilly (our neighbor) in the far back of the van, Vivi and Lizzie in the middle row and Samantha, our 100 lb. St Bernard in the middle aisle between the twinkies.

We get everyone buckled in and I am about to start the van when Lucia holds out her hand and says "Look mom! I lost a tooth!" "What?" I reply, thinking I must have misheard her. But no, she says it again and there in the palm of her adorable, 5 year old hand is her tooth. So I ask her about how she lost her tooth and she tells me, in great detail. Apparently she and her friend, Joey, were playing Pachycepholasaurus when she accidentally hit the side of her head on the climber-thingy. She told me that the teacher came over and checked her out and there was a lot of blood and she (the teacher) reached in and pulled out a molar from the back of her mouth. I sat incredulously listening to her until she stopped and then I asked her if she was ok. "Yep!" was her only reply. Ok, then. Still in shock that she

1. Could have hit her head hard enough to knock out a molar
2. Wasn't bruised and battered looking
3. The teacher hadn't mentioned anything when I picked her up

we drove home. I spent the rest of the day saying things like "Really? Tell me again how it happened. I just don't get it, Luc." and "Can I look in your mouth? I want to try and see where it came from." and she let me look, but it was so dark I couldn't see much of anything.

Later Kyle came home and she told him all about her tooth, too. We talked about it a little, but dinner time was crazy, as usual and nothing more was said until bedtime. We went through our bedtime routine and as I was brushing her hair I said to Lucia again, "Luc, it just doesn't make sense. How do you hit yourself hard enough to lose a tooth, but not have a bruise or a sore mouth?" and Kyle looked at her tooth again and said, very calmly, "That's not a tooth, is it? It's a rock." and without even one second of hesitation she replied "No. I just wanted to see if I could fool the tooth fairy."

And then she proceeded to leave it under her pillow for the next three nights so that the tooth fairy could come pay her for her "tooth". She persisted until the tooth fairy finally stopped by one night and left a note under her pillow that said "That is not a tooth, it is a rock! :( "

A Compliment, I Think.

Lucia: "Mama, you're my favorite mama ever!"

Darby: "Me too!"

Lucia: "Except when you make us do stuff."

Darby: "Yeah."

Uh, thanks girls. You're both better than all the other daughters I've never had, too. Except, of course, when you're not.

Signs that I have truly and completely lost my mind

1. I am organizing a community garden in Northfield. I have recruited 3 other women to help and we are having a meeting tomorrow at my house. And I promised them coffee and treats.
2. I am running in a 5k on Saturday (Yes, that's 2 days from now!) and I have run less than a handful of times since we moved here in 2008.
3. We (Kyle and I) are building a small deck outside our back door. This wouldn't be crazy if there was any time other than 3:00 to 4:00 in the morning to work on it.
4. We (Kyle and I, again) decided yesterday that if we're going to have a deck that the patio should go in first. So sometime in the next 2 weeks the concrete guy is coming to pour a patio in our backyard. Why not, right? Those giant holes for the deck footings just add a little excitement to the obstacle course that is our backyard right now. And really, if one or two of the kids happen to fall into one of the holes, then we wouldn't have to chase around to keep them out of trouble. Come to think of it that might be the way to go after all. We can keep those holes as small child containers for when we want to get stuff done! Just kidding. Maybe.
5. And the number one sign that I have lost my mind- I am sitting here instead of getting something, or anything, done.